Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
