Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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