My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
