I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
