his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
