I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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