Please, let me fuck your mom
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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