I am in a vortex of obligation.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
