The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
