1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
