I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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