im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
