he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
