Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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