1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
