Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
