My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
