I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
