Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
