if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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