i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
