i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
