Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
