Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
