You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
