I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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