Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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