I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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