Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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