nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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