she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You pole danced in your parka.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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