guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
