checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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