I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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