i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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