you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
