I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
