I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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