My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
