I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
