paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
