he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
