Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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