my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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