if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
