Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
