the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
