Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
