Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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