Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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