I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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